WHAT HAPPENED?

What happened?

That was the first question came to my mind as I re-read my old blog posts. What happened to me? What happened to my life? What happened to my dreams? What will happen to me next? I felt like crying as my eyes digested the words I typed here three years ago--when I was younger, happier and aflame with passion for my craft. I felt like a failure--to myself, to my family, to my readers. That part of me, the old me, was like a dear friend that now turned into someone I don't know. She had drifted so far away from me and I can't do anything to bring her back. I was left here--bitter, broken and useless. What's scary was, as I try to imagine my future, I only see vagueness. And it was getting darker and darker as days passed by, as I took a step closer towards it.

IT'S NOT OKAY

Five months of pretending that I'm all right and that it will be all right is enough. No, it's not all right. I feel so lost. I don't even know how to continue this stupid blogpost. Ang dami kong gustong sabihin but I don't know how to express it. That's the exact thing that's happening when I'm writing. My characters are tuning me out. They're not interacting with me. It was depressing and frightening. I mean, paano ako magsusulat, paano ko itutuloy ang kuwentong tatlong buwan ko nang iginagapang kung may sariling mundo ang characters ko at ayaw nila akong isali sa mundong iyon? Paano ako magkakaroon ng simpatiya sa kanila? Paano ko sila bibigyang ng happy ending kung ang gusto ko lang gawin ay bigyan sila ng "ending". Para matapos lang, para may maisulat lang. I hate it. I hate this feeling. And I hate this stupid tears!

Should I Stop? No.

I feel miserable. Natanggap ko na ang feedback ng latest manuscript na s-in-ubmit ko at hanggang ngayon, umiiyak pa rin ako. I'm just so disappointed. Expected ko na na revision 'yon, ang hindi ko in-expect ay 'yong comments. Oh God. They were...how to say this...blunt, straight to the point, merciless. I have no hard feelings towards my editor, she's my fave editor ever since and I really admire her. As they say, truth hurts and it does. Sobra. Especially coming from a person you--I-- respected so much. I felt like I failed her, I failed my collaboration partner and myself. I worked hard for that story, it took four months to finally typed the word "Wakas" and then...*sigh*. I felt like giving up. I have no one to talk to right now, nothing can cheer me up--not even Shirota Yuu's pictures, not even the bag of chips nor the new books I bought earlier, not even the cup of coffee resting in my desk. Geez, here comes the tears again.

I decided to stop writing for PHR for a while. Sa Wattpad muna ako tatambay, aasikasuhin ko muna ang pagiging editor ko sa TRE, magbabasa muna ako nang magbabasa at hahanapin ang sarili ko. I'm just stressed out, pressured, uninspired. I love my career, this is the life that I wanted since I was eighteen but I'm starting to hate all of it lately and I know that I'm in danger. I'll come back next year, sana by that time, okay na ako.

The Ten Commandments of a Successful Author (From the Internet. Credits to the Author)

Matagal nang naka-save sa Notes ko 'tong post na 'to, noong online writer pa lang ako. Lately ay naging matunog ang "issues" regarding sa mga reviewers na bigla na lang nagsulputan sa blogspot at ngayon nga ay nasa Facebook na sila, kaya naalala kong halungkatin ito nang maalala ko na may na-mention dito about sa reviews. (Read Commandment Number 5)



The Ten Commandments of a Successful Author
(From the Internet. Credits to the Author)


1. I will always strive to make the next book better than the last.

This is one that keeps me awake at night sometimes. The desire to make this next book better than the first one, to improve on every new project. We put so much effort into THAT book, you know the one to get the agent and the book deal. It's the best we have to give on a page. Then the dream happens and you're faced with book two and oh, you have a time limit this time, and oh if this one tanks, there may not be another book deal. *breathes into paper bag* The best authors out there manage to do this, even on tight deadlines, even when the check is already in the bank. They keep topping their own work.

2. I will not fear risk.


It's tempting to be safe, to stick to what you know and what you know works. But the best authors don't just put out book after book that follow the same formula. They take risks, they push boundaries, hell, some of them even test out different genre waters. With no risk, there's no challenge. Write the stories you want to write. If some don't work out, that's okay.


3. I will never believe "I'm the sh*t." Well, at least not for an extended period of time.


We've all seen it. The author that hits whatever level and now seems to wear the "I'm the sh*t" tiara. Don't do it. No matter if you top every bestseller list. It's okay when you get a good review or hit a list or write a passage that rocks to think to yourself--yep, I'm the shizz nizz, baby. But keep it to yourself--please--and don't let it go to your head. No one's that awesome.


4. I shall not wallow in a pool of self-pity and doubt when someone doesn't like me or my writing.


Someone, probably many someones, will absolutely hate your writing. It's inevitable. You can't please everyone. If you let negative feedback get in your head, it will eat away at your confidence like cancer. This goes for rejections too. Feel the sting, eat a piece of chocolate or take a shot of whiskey--whatever you're preference--and move on.


5. I will never respond to a bad review.


I said never. You hear? Never. Unless to say, "Thank you sir, can I have another?" I'm sure most of you saw the brouhaha on Twitter/Facebook/message boards the other day over a writer who lashed out at a reviewer online. At some point in your career, you will want to do this. It's human. You will want to yell, scream, insult, bestow your wrath upon someone who said something bad about your book.


Don't do it. This is what friends and spouses are for--call them, let it out, cuss the jerk who gave you the negative review. But never lash out publicly or at the reviewer. This will only serve to make you look petty and childish, which will make people not want to deal with you or buy your books. (And remember, lovelies, the internet is viral. One untoward comment can make the rounds faster than a case of croup at a daycare.)


6. Covet your neighbor's success. A dose of envy does a writer good.



There are all these posts out there about writer envy and jealousy telling you how you shouldn't waste time being envious of other writers and what they have, their level of success, etc. Yes, that's true. If you spend all your time burning green, you won't get anything else done. BUT, a little bit of this can be helpful. So and so got an agent and you haven't yet? Your crit partner hit the bestseller list but you can't seem to? Feel that envy and USE it. Use it as kindling under your butt and light a fire to keep going, to get what you want, to grab that success too. Envy with motivation can be very productive. Envy with whining and no action is what you need to avoid.


7. "Good enough" will never be good enough.

The best authors don't settle for good enough. If you've sold a bazillion books and you already have a deal for the next and everyone is lining up just for the privilege of sharing your air, it could be tempting to just write something that's "good enough". But the best authors don't. They put as much heart and guts into every book they put out every time.


8. I will not apologize for what I write.


Do not apologize for your passion. There are stigmas against all kinds of genres, not just romance like I talked about last week. But this is your writing, your story, and your blood on the page. Playing down what you write is playing down who you are. I know this one will be tough for me because once my book comes out, people in my life will know exactly what I write. I know some will judge me for it. I do not want to apologize for it. I'm proud of it.


9. I shall pay it forward.


The best writers give back. If any of you stopped by the blog Monday and saw the Operation Auction information, you know this is true. No we can't help others all the time. If Stephen King answered every email from a newbie on how to be a writer, he'd never get anything done. But he did write On Writing, which is a way of giving back what he's learned (even though, granted, he did make money writing that book.) So no matter how busy you get, try to find time to help others out. Maybe it's to offer a query crit to someone who hasn't queried before, maybe it's having a blog that gives information that everyone can benefit from, maybe it's volunteering your time at conferences or judging a contest. Whatever it is, find something. Think of those who've helped you in your journey. Don't you want to be one of those people another writer can think of?


10. Don't forget to have fun--you love this, dumbass. (Even when it's hard.)


It's easy to get caught up in the day to day--this chapter is so hard, I have a saggy middle, why won't these agents answer my queries--rut. But never forget, this is your dream. Enjoy the act of writing. And good Lord, if you do get the elusive book deal and become published, don't spend your time whining about the minutiae. It's okay for authors to tweet if they're struggling with an edit or whatever, but too much of that sounds like a whole bunch of whine. So many people want this. If you get it, be thankful and for heaven's sake, enjoy it! You get to make stuff up for a living.

Waiting For The Feedback

Ngayon ang inaasahan ko na matatanggap ang feedback from my editor regarding sa last manuscript na ipinasa ko. Own version ko iyon ng Hot Intruder. This is the title: Hot Intruder: Reign, the Intruder in Stilettos (Yeah, I know, korni ang title). I had a good time writing this manuscript kahit pa nangarag ako nang husto nang bigyan ko ang sarili ko ng deadline: ten days! And I made it! Eksaktong ten days ay tinitipa ko na ang salitang wakas.

What inspired me to write this story? Si Rain. Yes, si Rain the Korean hottie (hindi naman masyadong obvious, di ba?). I was in the middle of writing my tenth manuscript when an idea popped on my already clogged mind. Napatingin ako sa isang Hot Intruder pocketbook na nakalapag sa desk ko and told my sister, "I want that, too". She cocked an eyebrow at me and asked, "You want what? The book or a man like the one in the cover?". "I want a Hot Intruder. I wanted to be intruded by a hot guy," I answered and laughed then hurriedly finished my other manuscript for I'm already excited to write a new one. Rom-com ang genre nito, I also promised myself that it will be the last rom-com story I'll write this year but...I don't think I'll be able to keep that promise. Sa ngayon ay may ginagawa akong isa na namang Hot Intruder, rom-com genre again, inspired by Zac Efron. Ang hirap pala kasi talagang baguhin ang nakasanayan na lalo pa't doon na ako komportable.

I wish myself luck for tomorrow. Sana may feedback na *cross-fingers*.

My Dream Story

There was this story na matagal ko nang binabalak na isulat ngunit hindi ko masimulan dahil kulang pa ako sa information. I've been reading a lot about Witches lately since malaki ang role nila sa kuwentong ito. It's a Gothic romance inspired by Twilight (I'm not a Twilight fan, pero nabuo ang plot ng story kong ito after ikuwento sa akin ng pinsan ko ang buong Twilight book) and Harry Potter that's why it involves vampires and witches and monsters. 

It's about this girl named Yzabel who died of a vehicular accident while on her way to El Nido, Palawan. She died with twenty eight other passengers and then after forty days ay muli siyang nabuhay. Doon niya na-diskubre na isa siyang Magus (Witch). Nagkaroon siya ng bagong mundo, ng bagong mukha at ng bagong katauhan. From Yzabel, her name was changed into Crescent. She's a Healer, her healing power was so powerful that it can resurrect the dead (Necromancy as they call it). Dahil sa healing power niya na iyon ay marami ang naghangad na maging kaanib siya kabilang na si Lord Branzon, the most powerful vampire in the history of Crescentis (The World of Mist and Darkness). Crescent was adopted by the Skylarks, they are a group of Magus (purely female) guarding the portal--the only way towards the world of human. The Skylarks were known as The Coven of Guardians and was headed by Agatha. Ni-recruit nila si Crescent bilang pang-13 na member ng Coven, in that way ay mapo-protektahan din nila siya laban sa mga nais na gamitin ang kapangyarihan niya. Until a sneaky vampire ambushed Crescent one night. He was Lucian (hindi pa ito ang final na pangalan ng hero). Dinala siya ni Lucian sa isang underground castle at inutusan siya na i-resurrect ang angkan nito na pinaslang ni Lord Branzon daang taon na ang nakakaraan. At that's where their story starts. Siyempre dahil romance ito ay magkaka-in love-an sina Lucian at Crescent pero hindi magiging ganoon kadali ang lahat dahil mula sila sa magkaibang lahi. Isa itong tipikal na kuwento ng bawal na pag-iibigan ng dalawang nilalang. It was also about power, kung sino nga ba ang mas makapangyarihan? Si Lucian, si Lord Branzon o ang Coven? The main characters here had dark pasts, even Crescent who was not happy with her new life and special abilities. 

Challenge sa akin kung paano ko gagawing unique ang mga gagamitin kong characters dito since laganap ngayon ang mga kuwento kung saan bida ang mga bampira at mga witch. And I'm still figuring out what languages would I use? Tag-lish? Latin? Romanian? O "gawa-gawa na language ala JK Rowling"? Gaya nga ng nabanggit ko, nangangalap pa ako ng data kaya set aside muna ito. Focus muna ako sa traditional romance and hopefully one day, this dream story of mine will never be a dream anymore. 

Si Mellicent Bilang Isang Manunulat

Ako 'yung tipo ng manunulat na walang sinusunod na outline. Hindi rin ako gumagawa ng profiles ng characters ko. Once a plot hit my head, either haharap ako sa computer o kukuha ako ng ballpen at steno notes at magsusulat ako nang magsusulat hanggang sa mapiga ang lahat ng ideas sa utak ko. I also prefer to write in a traditional way, meaning ay sa papel muna ako nagsusulat. Doon ako nasanay, eh. My first book Unexpected Romance was written first in an old notebook, ganoon din ang second at third manuscripts ko. Actually halos lahat ng manuscripts ko ay sa papel muna naisulat. Mas smooth kasi para sa akin ang flow ng ideas kapag papel ang kaharap ko and fine, tamad akong magtipa. Promise, hate ko talaga ang magtipa. I have this manuscript na matagal ko nang natapos, around June last year and until now, hindi ko pa siya naita-transfer sa computer. I asked my sister to type it down for me ang kaso...hindi niya maintindihan ang writing ko. Lol.

Emotional din ako. Emotional to the point na humahagulgol ako sa harap ng computer. Sa tuwing magtatapos ang mga nobela ko ay bumabaha ng luha. Hindi ko alam kung dahil natutuwa ako at naitawid ko ang nobelang iyon o dahil nalulungkot ako at magpapaalam na ako sa mga characters na nagkaroon na ng attachment sa akin? Maybe both? Minsan naman ay napapaiyak ako sa mga litanya ng heroes lalo na sa "kiss and make-up" part, I wanted to find someone na magsasabi sa akin ng mga lines na 'yun. Sino ba ang hindi nangangarap ng ganoon, di ba?

Sadista akong writer. Gustong-gusto ko na pinag-ka-clash ang mga characters ko o kaya ay inilalagay ko sa isang compromising situation ang heroines ko. I love writing comedy, I love creating funny and naughty heroines, nakaka-lighten kasi sila ng mood. But then lately ay gusto ko nang lumabas sa "comfort zone" na tinatawag at sumubok ng bagong genre. I want to challenge myself and test my versatility as a writer. 

Bilang writer, anu-ano ang mga kinatatakutan ko? 

Takot ako na masira ang computer ko. Takot ako na ma-virus or ma-corrupt ang files ko. Takot ako sa plagiarism. Takot ako na masabihan na nanggagaya ako ng gawa ng iba. Takot ako na ma-reject-an ng manuscript. Takot ako na hindi ko ma-please ang readers ko, takot ako sa bad reviews. 

Lahat ng 'yan ay mangyayari someday but that won't stop me from writing because I don't want to fail. Ayon kasi sa isang quote na nabasa ko, "You fail only if you stop writing."

AN INTERVIEW WITH MYSELF: RANDOM QUESTIONS...

Q: Gaano katagal bago ako makatapos ng isang manuscript?

A: 10 days to two weeks, depende sa mood ko.

Q: Saan ako kumukuha ng inspirasyon? 

A: Madalas ay sa nababasa at napapanood ko, minsan naman ay sa kuwento ng mga taong nakapaligid sa akin, sa personal experience ko, lalo na sa mga frustrations ko sa buhay. 

Q: Takot ba akong ma-reject-an ng manuscript?

A: Dati, oo. Iniiwasan ko talaga na humantong sa rejection ang manuscript ko dahil alam ko na isa iyon sa magpapababa ng self-esteem ko. Pero na-realized ko na matagal na akong nakakatanggap ng iba't ibang klase ng rejection--mula sa mga taong gusto ko, sa mga kompanya na in-apply-an ko, minsan ay sa sarili ko...pero kinaya ko naman lahat ng iyon. I cried, I got hurt but I stood up again and move on, I think that's what matters. Those rejections molded me into someone na mas matatag. So far ay hindi pa ako nakakatanggap ng feedback na "returned" pero alam ko na someday ay matitikman ko rin iyon, part ng buhay ng isang writer 'yon, I guess, kagaya rin ng bad reviews at criticisms. 

My views about bad reviews and criticisms: 

Inihahahanda ko na ang sarili ko sa mga 'yan, gaya nga ng isang gasgas na kasabihan, "you can not please everybody", hindi lahat ng tao ay gusto ang isusulat ko, darating ang panahon na may magsasabi ng masama tungkol sa gawa ko. Masasaktan ako pero hindi ako magagalit, wala akong karapatang magalit since opinion ng reviewer na iyon ang ipinapahayag niya. Marami akong nababasang reviews sa Goodreads, most of the time I agree with them, I can see their point and I respect the reviewers. Sila ang isa sa pinaka-prangkang tao na kilala ko. Sasabihin ninyo na kaya ko nasasabi kito dahil hindi ko pa nararanasan ang magkaroon ng bad review, that I'll be singing a different tune once may nag-"bash" ng akda ko... well all I can say is, receiving a bad review is better than receiving a fake appreciation or receiving nothing at all.